he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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