In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
