I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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