I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
