I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Randomize
