is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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