I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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