piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
