So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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