weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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