She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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