i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize