I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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