life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
