Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Randomize