what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
