what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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