we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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