I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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