well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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