that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
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