I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
