How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
