My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
