I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
