he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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