she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
