i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
