if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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