Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Found the puke drawer
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize