I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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