im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
