i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
