If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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