There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
