i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Farmville is her only friend.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
