I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
