I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
