i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
