I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
