is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
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