I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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