I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
