You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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