So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
