The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
