p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
