Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
