Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
