If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
