time to smoke my breakfast
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
