I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
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