So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
