last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
