This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
