yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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