I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
