Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
