Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
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