matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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