Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
